Manic Technicolor Exoskeleton

Oh, yeah, Chloe... Chloe looked the way Meryl Streep's skeleton would look if you made it smile and walk around the party being extra nice to everybody.

I can kind of relate. ADHD isn't actually a condition of attention; that's just its most obvious (or at least best-known) sign. Really, though, it's a condition of executive functioning. It means that the part of your brain responsible for mediating what the rest of your brain does or imposing discipline doesn't work as well. This can often show up as difficulty paying attention like I said.

The big struggle for me is dealing with boredom, which is almost physically uncomfortable. The result is a great deal of difficulty in sticking with things that aren't immediately gratifying. The result of this is that, on the one hand, I don't really know how to let my brain rest, so I spend a lot of time in full-burnout mode. The other is that growing as a person, learning new skills, figuring things out generally, are all very elusive things.

So it is that I feel like I'm spending my life just trying to kill time as fast as possible, which is hardly a recipe for feelings of pride, satisfaction, or meaning. On a related note, being put on meds as an adult meant that the initial change was mind-blowing, but I think that, in turn, gave me an exaggerated sense of control over my own mind. I ended up believing that I would be able to control or mitigate my symptoms a lot more than it turns out is realistic.

So, it's back to square one. Too little identity, too little reliable ways of spending my time, no real sense of purpose. I have gotten some impediments out of the way, and I suppose that sometimes, going the wrong way more slowly is still progress.